Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Melancholy...and then some


mel·an·chol·y

  [mel-uhn-kol-ee]  Show IPA noun, plural mel·an·chol·ies, adjective
noun
1.
a gloomy state of mind, especially when habitual or prolonged; depression.
2.
sober thoughtfulness; pensiveness.
3.
Archaic.
a.
the condition of having too much black bile, considered in ancient and medieval medicine tocause gloominess and depression.
b.
black bile.
adjective
4.
affected with, characterized by, or showing melancholy; mournful; depressed: a melancholy mood.
5.
causing melancholy or sadness; saddening: a melancholy occasion.
6.
soberly thoughtful; pensive.


That's where I find myself hiding out these days.  Alone, inside my own head, despite sharing a house with several other adults, the world's cutest 4 month old baby, and 2 raucous dogs.... alone in a crowd, withdrawn, and somber.  Very, very somber.

Its disheartening to find, that when you thought you were done dealing with certain issues in your own life, your past... that old bones had been put to rest, the grim reality is...you have not.  Worse yet, the dawning realization that you will probably never be fully able to put them to sleep.

In addition to facing that sobering reality, is the awareness that every time the closet filled with old bones is re-opened, I find myself filled with a fresh hatred and bitterness toward another person whose life seems to have continued on, unscathed.
And when those feeling rise up within me, I despise myself all the more.  I have struggled hard my entire life to forgive those who have hurt and wounded, not only me, but those I love and care for.  But look, here I am again, re-living once more, wretched, hate-filled emotions and the desire for revenge.  That horrible feeling that I can NEVER be happy, until I know for certain that another person has suffered, and is suffering as much as I am.

And that makes me loathe myself all the more.

I am finding that all those comforting, trite little sayings regarding bitterness and unforgiveness are not necessarily fact.  While I agree wholeheartedly that holding bitterness and unforgiveness in my heart will eventually poison my entire being, I am finding that I can indeed be enslaved by the unforgiveness of another.

That withholding of grace, that refusal or inability to move on, to truly forgive, keeps me chained to that closet door, the one filled with old bones, with some of them still in the process of decay...their putrefying scent still having the ability to poison my day to day existence.

I try to find comfort for my wretched soul in all the same places that I so often recommend to others in need of encouragement and grace, and a fresh perspective.  But for some reason, I find none.  Clearly, my past is worse, my sins graver, and my very essence is not as worthy of consolation as those I offer it to.

If I could turn back time (nod to Cher), if there was really a time machine... I would gladly go back 10 years and make different choices, perhaps better ones, but then again, perhaps not.  Knowing my proclivity for making stupid mistakes, I am sure even when making different choices, I would still find some way to ruin my own life and at the very least, hurt or grievously offend those I care most about.

But there is no time machine.  There is no way to effect change by scrolling the clock hands backward.

I'm not quite sure where that leaves me. I suppose, the only place that makes any sense at all to me for now... The Serenity Prayer.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

I cannot change how others perceive me, I cannot change the past, I cannot kindle forgiveness and compassion in the heart of another, I cannot undo my wrong-doings or change their effect on others. I cannot be anyone other than who I am.
I somehow need to be able to truly accept these truths and move on.

 Courage to change the things I can,

Clearly, I need to fully embrace the first line above before I have any hope of making real change with the second line.  I am more and more aware as time goes on, the only thing I can really change is ME!!!  My thoughts, my actions, my opinions, my perceptions...

And wisdom to know the difference,

Now it gets really hard. That is really the crux of the whole thing, right there.  WISDOM to know the difference!  That to me, is wisdom of epic proportions and certainly nothing that I inherently possess.  So to receive that wisdom, I must turn to God, Who loves me unconditionally, Who forgives me fully and without prejudice, for all sins and mis-deeds, past-present-and future, and Who will give that gift of wisdom, liberally, to all who ask!

So in the meantime, while I'm waiting for even the strength to ask for Serenity, Courage, and Wisdom, I'll be hanging out right here in the Land of Melancholy.
I'm easy to spot... I'm the one trying her best to be invisible...